Acid Teochii - 8 - Seeking Solace

July 16th 2014

Hanni didn’t know what had possessed him to go up on the roof of the Pledis building. An ache ran deep in his bones, his head pounded with the bass of their first comeback title track, his eyes struggled to stay open. He’d been practicing when he suddenly felt the need to just…be alone for a while.

Up on the high roof, Hanyeul could see for miles, Gangnam was a big place, and although he’d lived there a while at this point… there was nothing quite like sitting on the roof, staring into the night sky while millions of bright colours lit up below you, the hustle of the city so close, yet so far away as you sat in solitude with just the stars for company.

The previous few days had been so busy… between getting ready for their comeback which was less than 3 weeks away, continuing interviews and show appearances, practicing dances, rehearsing said dances, making sure the new mini album was completely done, having to rerecord songs as needed…not to mention his birthday the previous day.

They hadn’t had much time to celebrate Hanni’s birthday, and he didn’t really mind that. They were working hard, trying to realise their dreams, climb to the top… who was he to let his birthday stand in the way? Of course, none of them had forgotten. He’d woken up the previous day to a banner hung in the kitchen. It was generic and tacky, but Hanni remembered clearly how his heart had swollen with joy. Everyone was up before him, even Ae-Cha who was known not to be a morning person at all. Cho and Jin were covered in batter and frosting while Vann presented him with a perfectly, in his eyes anyway, shaped cake with just his name written on it in cursive with the hot pink frosting, which Yuuki had some traces of in his hair…and around his mouth.

That was all the group had really had time to do for him and Namjoon rushed them out to their schedules, giving Hanni a quick congratulations on making it to his 20th birthday before shoving him into the van and taking the group to the practice rooms.

But honestly… Hanni really didn’t care, because the best present he could have ever asked for happened later in the day, as the sun began to set over Seoul, he arranged with his best friend to go eat a meal in a fancy restaurant. As sort of a joint celebration.

After all, it was the first time he’d seen Lee Jimin since her group POLARIS had debuted with SM Entertainment on the 7th.

They’d gone, eaten, chatted…completely as normal as the two had been close for nearly a year at this point. Jimin smiled, presenting him with his gift while offering to pay for the meal, which Hanni completely turned down in an instant. This was her celebration too, after all.

The night had ended with Hanni finally plucking up the courage to ask Jimin to be his girlfriend after months of dancing around each other due to the no dating policy that POLARIS had been put under. Jimin said yes.

Hanyeul’s heart lept to his throat at the thought. He had a girlfriend, a girlfriend in the same industry as him, debuting at around the same time from a completely different company…but a girlfriend nonetheless, one of which had been his best friend for over a year.

But it was that thought that had led Hwang Hanyeul up to the rooftop to clear his head, that thought that had made him so confused and exhausted.

He found himself staring at the screen of his phone, his finger hovering over the call button by Jimin’s name. He had to come clean to her, about everything. He wanted her to know him, inside and out, past and future, with no secrets between them… no matter how upset thinking about the past made him.

He’d come so far after all, he just had to…get it off his chest.

He pressed the button.

Pressing the phone to his ear, he heard it ring… once…twice…three times before a familiar voice answered.

“Hello?”

Jimin’s voice was like bells ringing in his ears, cleansing and calming. He could vaguely hear the other members of her group in the background, clattering around in what sounded like the kitchen, ordering each other around as the meals got served.

“Hey, Jimin…is this a bad time? I can call back later…” Hanni tried not to flinch at the way his voice cracked slightly. He hadn’t realised how close to tears his own thoughts had brought him.

“No no, it’s fine, I’m free to talk…” Her voice was gentle, he could almost hear the furrow in her brow. She knew him far too well. “Ya! You people better save me some food while I take this call! Don’t be greedy!” He heard her yell towards the other members while turned slightly away from the phone. Although the words were slightly muffled, he couldn’t help but scoff slightly at her brattish attitude.

Listening to Jimin leave the clustered, loud living area to the more secluded bedroom, he couldn’t help but crack a smile. “Are you always that…brash towards your fellow members?”

“Of course, you gotta be firm with these kids!”

Hanni tried not to scoff again as he heard several voices from the other room protest to Jimin’s comment.

“Anyway,” Jimin continued, her voice still tingling like a bell in his head, settling his raging nerves. “Are you alright? In fact, don’t answer that, you’ll only lie. Better question… what’s wrong? You seem sad.”

“Jimin, I’ve hardly said anything yet, how could you possibly come to that conclusion?”

“Impromptu phonecall from you usually means sappy or sad…I was guessing this is sad since your voice broke earlier…” She trailed off. Hanni waited for a few seconds before replying.

“Do you…do you mind if I just ramble for a little while? You don’t have to say anything, you don’t have to even pay attention really, but I have to get it off my chest…”

Jimin stayed silent on the end of the line for several seconds before she muttered a small “Sure,” to him.

“You know…when I was small, I was really sick… really, really sick. Leukaemia they said. I was too young to understand, too naïve to believe that such a long word could really change my life so much. I’d been more tired than usual, sure, and I’d been getting more bruises than usual…” He scoffed a little, before sniffing and wiping at the tears that had already begun to gather in his eyes. “To begin with, my parents just figured it was normal. I was 6 years old, going on 7. Running around, causing a ruckus, falling over…the sleepiness, weakness and bruises were normal, right? Turns out…no, they weren’t normal. I was diagnosed with Leukaemia a few days after my 7th birthday.”

Jimin stayed silent on the other end of the phone, he didn’t even know if she was still there, but either way, he had to move on. He had to keep talking or he’d clam up and never get the words out.

“I missed so much school because of how sick I got. My friends were scared of me, they were convinced that because I was sick, if they stayed near me, they’d get sick too. As so much poison was being pumped through my body through the chemotherapy, I was scared of myself. I didn’t want my parents near me, I didn’t even want them to look at my bald head in fear that looking at me would make their hair fall out too, that even eye contact would make them sick like I would. I didn’t want to be the cause of my parent’s death.”

“Hanni…why did you never tell me?”

Hanyeul ignored her question.

“It was around this time, sick, weak and dying, that my 7 year old self began to notice what was playing on the small TV in my room. I begun to watch G.O.D and Shinhwa on the television and…I remember I made myself I promise. I promised myself that, if I lived, I’d be just like those cool people on the television. I’d sing and dance, I’d be happy, inspire people like G.O.D and Shinhwa were inspiring me, I’d become someone who could brighten someone’s day like they were doing for me. If it wasn’t for that promise… I think I would have died. I would have given up.”

Hanni could hear frantic whispering and hiccupping sobs in the background of the call. He wasn’t sure who Jimin was talking to, or even if the person she was talking to could hear what he was saying…but at this point. He didn’t care. Hanyeul was tired of hiding his past, tired of hiding in case he got treated like the frail, sickly child he once was.

“Sometimes, I just wish I could go back. Go and visit my 7 year old self who lay on the bed, terrified. The 7 year old who’s friends feared him because he got sick and lost his hair…I wish I could tell him that it gets better, life move on. I’m in a group with 10 amazing performers, 10 amazing people who are all working so hard for our dreams, we had a major debut, our debut track was so high in the charts, I have a beautiful girlfriend who means the world to me. We make it.”

“Eunjung, will you please fuck off! You’re ruining the moment!” Hanni heard his girlfriend shout through her sobs. He let out a small smile, hanging up the call. He doubted that Jimin’s leader was going to give her chance to continue talking to him anyway for now, they could talk later.

Hanni leant forward, resting his forehead on his knees and letting the tears fall freely from his eyes. Despite the tear, Hanni felt…light. Like a crushing weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

He’d really made it.